The day I became a member

I remember it pretty clearly. Infact, I am pretty sure, it is something I will never forget.
What is it I am talking about?? Well it is the day I became a member of "The" club. I am sure you know a member....maybe you are even one yourself. Let me guess. You want to know exactly WHAT club I am talking about?? Well it isnt exactly the BEST club in the world...but it sure is exclusive. The entry fee is paid by human life its self. And when you enter this club...your heart breaks into a million little pieces. If you ever get them all back together in the right spots, you're blessed.

This club I am talking about is the "Parent who has lost a child" club. See, it's not one you exactly WANT to join. But all of its members hold thier heads high. Because we were blessed enough to see angles here on Earth. We got to hold them and smell thier sweet heads. We got to see what Heavan was like, even if only for a short moment.

For me personally, it has been 11 years. I have been a member since 1999. I got to hold my sweet Jordan as he took his last breath. He took that breath in my arms with absolutely NO medical equipment touching his body. I got to look into those sweet eyes and see him smile.

It has taken me a LONG time to be a PROUD member of this club. It has taken a lot of healing. And still, all the pieces of my heart are not completely fixed. There is always that one little place that is just his and it remains broken, repaired with masking tape, but you can still see the cracks. Seeing the craks, for me, is part of the healing. Letting people KNOW I have been broken, helps a little more.

I thank my dear, sweet, wonderful husband for holding me through the tears I just can't explain sometimes. I thank my two amazing children for letting the hugs last a little longer and the smiles linger and smelling thier sweet heads....even on thir grumpy days. They all have helped me heal.

Thanks Jordan. For showing me more about life in the four months you were on this earth than most people learn in a lifetime. Thank you for watching over your sisiter and brother. Thank you for having a hand in the Nurses that provided care for your little brother and telling them EXACTLY what I needed to hear. Thank you for helping to make me the mommy I am today.

I love you son. And while I would LOVE for you to be here on Earth with us so I could see what type of teenager you are going to be, I am SO thankful you are with Jesus giving me a reason to live my life better so I can see you again one day. Thank you for blessing me with your presance.